I [Bring] the Cheese; It Does Not [Bring] Me

Due to a mild casein allergy I sometimes stay away from dairy, and honestly don’t find it too hard to do so. Unsweetened vanilla almond milk? Delicious. Soy ice cream? Satisfies my craving pretty well. But there is one food above all others that can never be replaced and that is CHEESE. There is no vegan substitute that comes close.

Now I don’t get very creative with cheese, I stick to my shredded swiss or cheddar blends to put in my scrambled eggs or salads. Mozzarella is king of the cheeses and I save it for the occasional caprese salad and pizza. I don’t usually bother with the expensive artisanal stuff – until now.

Yes ladies and gentlemen and those who have yet to decide – that is VAMPIRE SLAYER cheese, a potent piece of garlic-y cheese I found at my local Whole Foods while searching for pork-free pate. And I needed cheese anyway, so…

What makes this especially awesome is that cheese is a small but genuine part of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer universe, thanks to the Cheese Man. If you had to pick a piece of food to represent the TV show, cheese would be it. And that got me thinking, if all the vampire franchises got together for a party, what would the food list look like?

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – said Garlic Cheese. With some Weetabix crackers.

True Blood – the Tru Blood drink. The notorious Japanese invention of the books and later the show, the Tru Blood beverage is what prompts the unveiling of the secret supernatural underworld to the entire rest of the world.

Interview with the Vampire – the novel and movie that first tied vampires with New Orleans. Apparently there’s a type of Cajun blood sausage called Boudin that can’t be officially sold since it contains actual animal blood and you have to find a chef on the side or something and ask for it. I don’t know if I’d want to eat something occasionally called The Forbidden Sausage… for many reasons… but there you go. Maybe this franchise will bring some good wine to make up for it.

Dracula – it always surprises me when I remember that Bram Stoker published his book in 1897. Due to its presence in and influence on popular culture it just seems centuries older. There are a lot of references to food in this book; “I dined on what they called “robber steak”–bits of bacon, onion, and beef, seasoned with red pepper, and strung on sticks, and roasted over the fire, in the simple style of the London cat’s meat!” So basically spicy kebab!

Count von Count – Alphabet soup’s lesser known edible cousin, number soup!

Vampire Diaries – a few years ago the CW (then still known as WB I think) passed on picking up a reboot of the show Barnabas because they, launcher of the original Buffy show, didn’t want to get pigeonholed as “the teen vampire channel.” Ha ha ha. In the spirit of the famous fruit posters a couple seasons ago, I say they’d bring red glazed tarts – apple, pomegranate, peach, and pear filled.

Blade – vampires in this universe can actually eat regular food, it just doesn’t provide any nutritional value. This franchise would be that person who brings a boring veggie platter.

Twilight – Red Velvet Cake with edible glitter. What else?